Two's a Crowd
by Cherori
Summary: What would happen if the Akatsuki lived together? Ate breakfast together? What if they were like the average sitcom family! God knows what could happen, just brace yourself... Completed!
1. Two's a Crowd

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto or the Akatsuki and I will not say I wish I did because it's rather obvious already that I do. I did invent Fruity-O's, but I will not be held responsible for any physical or mental distortions, dicolorings, ailments, or anything of the sort.

* * *

It was a dumb idea. Just dumb.

They were a _criminal organization._

For them to be living together seemed just _wrong._

Secret base? _Cliché._

Curfew? _ Childish._

Bunk beds? Now that's just ridiculous.

But then again, so was his partner.

"I WANT THE TOP BUUUUNK un."

"Keep your cloak on, your acting like a little kid." Came the response of the least enthusiastic of the pair, Sasori.

He wondered what he'd done to deserve such a partner - Deidara was always late and ill-prepared, it seemed.

And stupid. Sasori recalled the day they first met, when they recruited Deidara...

-ZOMGFLASHBACK-

"Leave me alone, I'm trying to take in the art here, un!"

"Yeah, he'll definitely die on us."

"My art lives, my art breathes! My art explodes!" boom

"I challenge you! If you lose, you will join Akatsuki!"

boomboomboom

"FWASHAHH! SHARINGAN!"

"Eep!"

-ENDFLASHBACKNESS-

Or something like that.

Sasori didn't like having partners. First there had been Orochimaru, who quit just because Itachi stole his hair curler. Wimp.

Now there was Deidara. Screaming, dumb, childish blondie Deidara. Sasori finally understood all those old jokes...

"BREAKFAAAAAAST! GET DOWN HERE!"

"Oh, food, un! C'mon Danna, let's go!"

Hungry from all that hardcore top-bunk-claiming action, Deidara eagerly swept down the staircase to breakfast.

Sasori rolled his eyes and followed, slowly meandering downstairs…

When he finally arrived and took his place at the table, he decided to dare to ask, "Why do we have to eat together, anyway?"

Dear Sir Leader replied, "Sasori, don't you realize? In pairs we operate efficiently, but we don't act as an entire team yet. That's why I've arranged for us to be living, eating, and working together until we can."

Oh hell no.

HEEEEEEEEELL no.

This couldn't be allowed to continue.

Sasori slammed his fist down on the table defiantly and shouted, "WHAT THE HELL?!"

He continued, "I will not be forced to live here with all of you imbeciles! What kind of criminal organization had 'bonding time'?! We'll be the laughing stock of the ninja-verse if this goes on!

THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE FANS!!"

Then came a reply from Itachi. "Didn't he just penetrate the fourth wall?"

"Just sit down and eat your Fruity-O's, Sasori."

"Yes, sir…"

* * *

**Author's Note: **_What kind of gay cereal name is Fruity-O's?_


	2. Three's Two Too Many

**Disclaimer:** Due to my obvious lack of seriousness toward criminal organizations, Jashin, and the word 'smite', I believe it has already been established that I do not own Naruto, the Akatsuki, or a cult.

* * *

Sasori was right.

But then again, he was also wrong.

This living arrangement _was_ ridiculous.

But he was crazy for actually saying so.

"Aww, dammit, Hidan! You're bleeding all over the new carpet!" Kakuzu shouted irritatedly.

Kakuzu had never liked Hidan's rituals, and they'd seemed to be getting more and more..._graphic_...lately.

"Jashin-sama demands it!"

"JASHIN-SAMA CAN KISS MY ASS."

le gasp "**How dare you.**"

"Ohhhh, how dare I? Like THIS!"

And in seconds, Kakuzu gave a swift kick to Hidan's precious limited edition Jashin-sama plush doll. (Tobi had generously given out Christmas presents the previous year in high hopes of upping his chances at being accepted.)

Hidan snapped. "**I SMITE THEEEEEEE!**"

Kakuzu wtf'd and started running downstairs.

Hidan was in hot pursuit, chasing him all around the living room screeching, "SMIIIIIIITE!!"

While doing so they managed to piss off Sasori, wierd out Sir Leader, trip Kisame, unplug Itachi's Slim in Six workout video ("I have self-confidence issues."), kill Zetsu's cactus-girlfriend, interrupt Konan's floral scented bath, and -omg_- break_ the sculpture Deidara was working on.

Needless to say, they racked up quite the hospital debt.


	3. Four's a Party  Part One

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto, the Akatsuki, or Slim in Six. (Though I have been using their workout videos for a week.)

* * *

Ch. 3 - Four's a Party

One, two, three, and _kick!_

One, two, three, and _kick!_

"Now...tilt your head back...arms up in a mountain pose...release...and you're done! Give yourself a pat on the back, you've done something good for yourself today!"

Itachi literally patted himself on the back.

Kisame came out of his super-007 hiding place (behind a potted plant three times smaller than him) and gave him his 'wtf' face.

"Okay, first you don't tell me you left your little brother alive, then you don't tell me what kind of shampoo you use, and now this?! We've got to stop keeping secrets from each other, Itachi."

Itachi, just now realizing Kisame was watching, gave him the bitch slap of his sorry life.

-to be continued-

* * *

**Author's note**: Okay, I know this one was really short, but I'm adding a second part to it later when I get over my writer's block. I just felt like I had to submit something. And in case you're wondering, I do use Slim in Six and I have delivered the bitch slap of someone's sorry life.


	4. Four's a Party  Part Two

**Author's note/Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, the characters, and all that crap (though it is very wonderful crap). I do realize how terribly out of character Kisame is in this, but I just thought it was a cute idea. Maybe I'll make up to you hard-core Kisame fans somewhere else, it just doesn't fit here. No hard feelings, 'kay?

* * *

Itachi was sitting on his bottom-bunk bed, combing his perfect silken hair, still damp from his morning shower.

Kisame walked into the small shared room. Upon spotting Itachi, however, he turned his head away and promptly exited the room.

_What could be the matter with him?_ Itachi wondered. He, against his better judgement, decided to follow Kisame.

He followed.

And followed.

And followed even more.

All through the day it seemed as though Kisame was just weaving through the rooms of the house without purpose, acting as though his newfound 'stalker' didn't exist.

Something was wrong. Kisame was an S-Class Missing-nin criminal. He would've noticed by now.

Finally, Itachi decided to make his move. He reached out and grabbed Kisame's cloak by the collar.

"Agh! You're choking me!" he gasped. Itachi's response was simply an assessment.

"You're obviously not going blind or mute, and I know you saw me in our room. You're avoiding me. What is the meaning of this?"

The large shark-esque man pouted and made a small sort of huffing sound. "Hmph! I thought you didn't _care_ about my feelings! I thought you wanted to be some super-cool secretive, insensitive villain!"

"I do. Now stop whining so I can complete my duties peacefully."

Itachi's words bit cold deep under Kisame's oddly-colored skin. He cast his gaze downward and in a muffled, quivering voice, and spat, "Screw you! I don't need you, I don't need anyone!"

And with that, he ran off.

…

A strange feeling.

A strange sensation in the pit of his stomach.

Indigestion? No…

Cramping? No…

Guilt.

Somewhere deep down in his itty-bitty, teenie-weenie, two-sizes-too-small heart, Itachi felt bad about what he'd said.

The day ended.

And another one passed.

And another one.

And yet another day.

Three days, and no Kisame.

Not at breakfast.

Not at lunch.

Not at dinner, or between any mealtimes for that matter.

And not in the room that he normally shared with Itachi.

Itachi.

He began to feel a bit…worried?

This was big. Like, _apocalyptic_ big. Itachi was worried.

Itachi thrust his PBJ sandwich down with a huff. "I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS."

The others, who had by now adjusted to spending ten torturous minutes sitting around a table eating lunch together questioned his actions. The Leader gave him a suspicious stare and inquired, "Itachi, you're not trying to rebel like Sasori did in the first chapter, are you?"

Itachi was insulted. "No! Kisame's been gone for three days now and it's really starting to piss me off!"

He glanced around the table at the faces of his comrades. Usually he was one of them who was pissed off when Kisame WAS around.

Seeing that they didn't understand his feelings and obviously didn't plan to help, Itachi left them. He swooped through the den and out the door at top speed, his cloak whipping behind him in the breeze.

And he tripped.

And he fell.

Flat on his face.

"Agh! What the hell?" Came a croaking noise from the large dirtpile Itachi tripped over.

A blue fishy-figure slowly sat up, the dirt spilling off his body to the ground.

"Kisame!" Itachi shouted with joy, killing kittens everywhere, as he attacked his large sharkman partner with an uber-glompiful embrace. (And oh, how the fangirls did squeal.)

Kisame was a bit shocked at first, but, seeing as he'd made Itachi crazy enough to hug him, he returned the gesture. Awwww!

"WHAT THE F#!?" Hidan began screaming obscenities into the air, bringing normality back to the Akatsuki. The rest of the group had arrived to drag Itachi back for the super-important mission he had lined up.

Sasori stepped forward. "Explain yourself."

Itachi almost blushed. "I, uh…well, I've got that really important mission…thing and I uh, though it would be safer to…"

The whole Akatsuki collapsed into a fit of manly giggles. "Aw, I know you just missed me!" Kisame squeezed Itachi in a hug. Itachi wasn't feeling well at this point. Then everything went dark…

* * *

**Author's Note: **Also, I wanted to thank all of my wonderful reviewers for being just that wonderful. Thanks for reading! (Also, since I write a lot of oneshots, I'd like to thank you reviewers over there, too!)


	5. Five is Ridiculous

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto or its characters (you really should know that by now). But I'm working on it. D

* * *

A chorus of angy arguments erupted from the living room. In a matter of minutes, seven incredibly evil, incredibly insane S-ranked criminals would be spilling through the doorway, whining for food like children.

Pain sighed and rubbed his temples, "This is hopeless..." he murmured. Konan, who had just finished setting the table for breakfast, took a seat next to him

"Maybe we should just give it up. These men weren't trained to work in large groups like this. They need to be free..." she motioned, lifting her hand to form an origami dove.

It fluttered gracefully around the room for a moment, and then...

BLAM.

"Deidara you idiot! That was an expensive armoir!!"

"Brat, stop destroying the house."

Konan sighed exasperatedly.

"Okay, maybe they just need space. Either way, this just isn't working, Pain!"

Pain took a sip of his coffee. He stared at the table for a moment, deep in thought, and then he nodded.

He and Konan looked at the doorway. As if by command, the seven missing-nin appeared, scrambling to get through to the kitchen.

As they shuffled in the doorway, Pain stood. He directed his gaze to the squirming mess in front of him, and cleared his throat.

The infantile ninja paid him no heed. He cleared his throat again, this time louder. No answer.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN."

Silence. The seven ninja in the doorway, plus Konan at the table, looked at him curiously.

"Okay, this 'living together' and 'functioning as a single team' thing REALLY isn't working out..."

The ninja listened a bit more intently, their hopes now heightened.

"...so Konan and I have decided that it would probably be for the best if we went back to working in two-man teams again."

The missing-nin erupted from the doorway in a collective cheer.

"YYYYEEEEEESSSSS!!"

Hidan impaled Kakuzu in excitement, who replied by smacking his head clean off. However, in the joyful mood of the moment, he quickly stitched it back on for him.

Kisame hugged Itachi, squeezing him and picking him up saying, "Yeah, buddy, just like old times!"

Deidara attempted to mimic the gesture to his partner, but was promptly threatened and backed off. Zetsu hugged himself.

And so it was, the evil Akatsuki organization was once more, well...evil!

Now only one question was left unanswered.

"Wait, does that mean we have to get our own food again?"

* * *

-The End-

* * *

**Author's Note:** Here it is, the last chapter of 'Two's a Crowd'! Sorry it ended up being kinda short, but it really wasn't meant to ever be more than a collection of drabbles.

I may add in a Zetsu/Tobi chapter or some other little tidbits of the sort in between, but for now its finished. Hope you all liked it! :)

I realize that it didn't really go out with a bang...you see, that is my weak point in stories. Anyway, I'll probably be continuing on to more of Shino Over the Rainbow now, but in the meantime I've taken an interest in serious oneshots.

But I digress.

Thank you all for reading, and a special thanks to my reviewers! Akatsuki forevaaaah!!


End file.
